Bucks’ New Game Plan

Scene: Westpac Centre, September 2013 after shock exit from the finals race.

Pert: Bucks what are we gonna do about this game plan of yours? It isn’t working at all.
Bucks: Well it is what it is Perty.
Pert: I guess so, but what does that even mean Bucks?
Bucks: It means that I can invent beautiful plans but the players can’t execute them.
Pert: Doesn’t that mean that the plans are useless?
Bucks: No Perty, we just have to tweak a little. See it’s like this. We get the ball to Young as often as we can because he can deliver with accuracy and speed.
Pert: But he only played two games Nath – you can’t build a game plan around a bloke who doesn’t play.
Bucks: Well Part B was to get the ball in the hands of Tooves and Keeffe as much as possible cos they usually deliver OK.
Pert: But they hardly played either Bucks. You’re building a game-plan around a handful of players and when they go down your plan sinks with them.
Bucks: Yeah, I do need to tweak it I agree, but it is what it is.
Pert: We need to get that useless Eade to earn his money Bucks. Seriously, poncing about on Fox Footy doesn’t win us matches. He does bugger all.
Bucks: I’ve been hatching a clever plan with Rocket, Perty, and I’m going to share it with you. What is our greatest weakness right now?
Pert: Pace – we are a team of plodders.
Bucks: Um…..the other weakness Perty.
Pert: We have loaded our list with players who cannot kick – look at them: Toovey, Williams, Seedsman, bloody Cloke.
Bucks: That’s the thing Perty, Dekka has an eye for talent but he’s not big on kicking skills, so my new game-plan has to take that into account. Dekka is recruiting boys who will go the distance, have the right attitude and are quick thinkers. They are also very good to their mum,s Perty.
Pert: But they are all midget plodders who can’t kick!
Bucks: That’s where my new plan comes in. Only a few designated players are allowed to kick the ball more than 40 metres. The rest of the time we will run, break the lines with handball and then use short 20-30 metre kicks.
Pert: Didn’t Geelong do this years back? It doesn’t work now.
Bucks: I’m backing my reputation on this Perty. Our boys can’t kick over a jam tin so we need a plan that takes this into account. An uber-short-kicking-game that relies on speed and finesse.
Pert: Hawthorn and Freo will be licking their chops, Bucks.
Bucks: Maybe, but I reckon this could work. Speed and short kicking is the way of the future. Shaw won’t do it so we’ll have to get rid of him and after tonight’s effort he won’t be missed…I’ve had it with that dumb —-.
Pert: Agreed with that one Bucks, but we need to do a bit of selling with that one. Shaw is popular.
Bucks: Not as popular as me! We can package it as him needing a fresh start at a new team like his stupid brother. Jesus, how could one couple produce such idiots? Anyway, Perty, tonight we got carved up because my plan was useless. I can only blame Shaw for so much – it’s gotta change or Ed will get rid of both of us, profit or no profit.
Pert: What should I tell Ed?
Bucks: Tell him that the new game plan was hatched by Rocket and Matty Lappin and it’s worth a shot. That way we are covered if it goes belly-up like this year’s.
Pert: Not sure even Ed will buy into a game plan that is built around a group that can’t kick.
Bucks: Trust me, this short kicking game is a winner and it plays to our strengths. We can’t kick anywhere on the field. Our backs kick it straight to the opposition……did you you see Williams tonight? Jesus Christ he gave them 2 goals. Our on-ballers and centres just kicked it to bloody Cloke; they didn’t even look. No, the new plan cuts out this weakness. We don’t kick long unless it’s Pendles, everybody else goes short. Hell, even the lesbian will be able to manage that.
Pert: Don’t let Harry hear you say that Bucks, we’ve had enough trouble on that score.
Bucks: Stupid bloody, heart-on-sleeve retard! Jesus Perty, the guy’s a complete loop. Paul didn’t mind the lesbian nick-name so why Harry got so upset about it has me beat. Ok what’s next?
Pert: Time to cut Jackson Paine Bucks.
Bucks: Really? Now he CAN kick. I reckon he’s gonna be a champ. Why are we cutting him?
Pert: He’s no good over head, is too slow and makes poor decisions.
Bucks: That’s it? Might as well clear out the whole bloody list then Perty. By the way, did you get your pay rise?
Pert: Yep, up to $1.1 mill Bucks!
Bucks: I’m asking for a substantial rise too Perty. You reckon $1.8 is a bit greedy?
Pert: Hell no Bucks, you have the runs on the board. Anyway, time to call in Jolls, Shaw, Dids and Krak.
Bucks: This caper isn’t ever easy is it?
Pert: It is what it is, Bucks.

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