Cow Talk Round Zero – The Rules of Cow-quisition  

Written by Father Dougal on March 21 2018

Small or Far Away, Father Dougal on Cows


Bishop Brennan: What is best in life?

Father Attila: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.

Bishop Brennan: Wrong! Crilly! What is best in life?

Father Ted: Pheasant. I love pheasant.

Bishop Brennan: Wrong! Hackett! What is best in life?

Father Jack: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!

Bishop Brennan: Wrong! McGuire, you little bollocks! What is best in life?

Father Dougal: To play Supercoach, to see your cows grow fat, and to hear the lamentations of those who failed to read Cow Talk!


Welcome to another season of Cow Talk!  Before first bounce there comes the first defenestration. I call it that because when teams are finally announced, all of our cow related plans go out the window! Anyways, after considerable thinking and drinking, I have channeled the Pope and written down the Rules of Cow-quisition. Or maybe I fell asleep while watching Deep Space Nine and misunderstood the Grand Nagus. That seems more likely. In either case, below are the first set of the Rules of Cow-quisition.


Father Dougal’s Rules of Cow-quisition

Rule Number One: “Start the season with as many good cows as you can get, up to where you have undesired left-over money.”

Rule Number Two: “Good cows have good job security. A cow without job security is just an unreliable loophole.”

Rule Number Three: “The cheaper the better. Lower cost and higher profit.”

Rule Number Four: “Cow availability determines your structure; not the reverse. Select all the good cows, none of the dodgy cows, and build the rest of your team around them.”

Rule Number Five: “Money is gold, trades are oxygen, and downgrade targets are platinum. Never waste a downgrade target by starting with him on your bench.”

Rule Number Six: “There is NO rule Six!”

Rules Number Six-A: “A cow and a premium are better than two mid-pricers with the same total cost.”

Rule Number Seven: “When a cow is best 22, you pick that cow”

Rule Number Eight: “DPP is nice, but no more than nice. Definitely not enough.”

Rule Number Nine: “No matter how much you like your herd, when the teams are announced, you will have to make changes. Be ready”

Rule Number Ten: “The cows you have to pick from are the cows everyone has to pick from. Stop complaining and start planning.”

Rule Number Eleven: “Better an unknown cow than a known bum steer”

Rule Number Twelve: “A cheap cow that loses his job is a loophole. A high priced cow that loses his job is a source of funds. A mid-priced cow that loses his job is a problem.”

Rule Number Thirteen: “It’s going to go wrong. Pick the cows who will go wrong in the ways you can best cope with”

Rule Number Fourteen: “A cow that has both job security and ruck as a position is a rare gift, for he allows you another cow on field.”

Rule Number Fifteen: “A fallen mid-pricer is a lot like a cow, but they have to have fallen really, really, far”

Rule Number Sixteen: “A fallen premium is not like a cow, no matter how far they have fallen, because you aren’t going to sell them to turn them into a premium.”

Rule Number Seventeen: “Cows on better teams tend to score better.”

Rule Number Eighteen: “Cows playing better teams tend to score worse.”

Rule Number Nineteen: “Know your coaches. It doesn’t matter if a cow should play, it only matters if the coach thinks he should play.”

Rule Number Twenty: “Know your teams. A cow filling in for two weeks before a gun comes back from injury is really a loophole waiting to happen.”

Rule Number Twenty One: “Sometimes you have to suck it up and downgrade to a loophole. When you do, find as cheap of one as you can.”

Rule Number Twenty Two: “Downgrading to someone who might be a loophole beats downgrading to someone you know will be a loophole.”

Rule Number Twenty Three: “Some cows aren’t worth a trade to deal with. Keep them, be patient, and hope. It’s a long season, sometime things go right in the end.”


Looking forward to hearing ideas for additional rules! I’m sure this list won’t end up being all of them.

Since it’s about time for the first defenestration, be sure to have plans for when your cows are not named and changes are forced. Then, when you are making changes remember the rules, especially Rule #4.

On with the season, and may all your cows grow fat!



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17 thoughts on “Cow Talk Round Zero – The Rules of Cow-quisition  ”

      1. He’s in the final 26 but won’t make the 22 cut if everyone else it fit, healthy and pulls up from training in the next 24 hours fine.


          1. Because when St Kilda announced the debutante guaranteed to play they named 1. Hunter Clark.

            An AFL Debut is a BIG THING. Families ccome from across the country or even overseas to see it, so clubs try and telegraph it, especially for season openers.

            He may still play round 1, but it won’t be the plan.


        1. Had been dropped for Naughton in mine a while back.

          He will play and soon, but 170k is too much to sit there wasting.

          Always fill all your cow spots for round 1.


  1. Brilliant stuff Father. Great advice.
    All the best for the season and may you rule.
    Good luck to all the community as well.


  2. Brilliant Father. The gospel has been written. Whoso ignores such pearls of wisdom shall be cast to a world of angst and confusion.

    Thanks very much. And good luck


  3. Hey all long time first time!!

    I have both Freo cows however don’t want to get caught out in the next week or two when the Hill boys return…thoughts pls??


    1. Brayshaw will play next week. Banfield is likely to play a forward role so the Hills are not his big problem.



  4. I dunno if I heard/read this on here but someone said not to be put off by comparatively expensive cows as they tend to yield better returns. Is this statistically significant? If so, perhaps a new #Rule?!


    1. Thanks very much everyone!

      It is easier to make money with cheap cows. That money also comes faster. The Cow Growth Reference tables might help you with some comparisons.

      If more expensive cows scored enough more they might do as well, but they usually don’t.

      A more expensive cow with a job will return much more than a cheap cow without a job though.


  5. i’m not seeing any green dots on my carlton/richmond players as yet, have they not entered the data or has my Gold subscription run out? (i do see injury dots though…)



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