Small or Far Away, Father Dougal on Cows
Bishop Brennan: What is best in life?
Father Attila: The open steppe, fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
Bishop Brennan: Wrong! Crilly! What is best in life?
Father Ted: Pheasant. I love pheasant.
Bishop Brennan: Wrong! Hackett! What is best in life?
Father Jack: Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!
Bishop Brennan: Wrong! McGuire, you little bollocks! What is best in life?
Father Dougal: To play Supercoach, to see your cows grow fat, and to hear the lamentations of those who failed to read Cow Talk!
Welcome to another season of Cow Talk! Before first bounce there comes the first defenestration. I call it that because when teams are finally announced, all of our cow related plans go out the window! Anyways, after considerable thinking and drinking, I have channeled the Pope and written down the Rules of Cow-quisition. Or maybe I fell asleep while watching Deep Space Nine and misunderstood the Grand Nagus. That seems more likely. In either case, below are the first set of the Rules of Cow-quisition.
Father Dougal’s Rules of Cow-quisition
Rule Number One: “Start the season with as many good cows as you can get, up to where you have undesired left-over money.”
Rule Number Two: “Good cows have good job security. A cow without job security is just an unreliable loophole.”
Rule Number Three: “The cheaper the better. Lower cost and higher profit.”
Rule Number Four: “Cow availability determines your structure; not the reverse. Select all the good cows, none of the dodgy cows, and build the rest of your team around them.”
Rule Number Five: “Money is gold, trades are oxygen, and downgrade targets are platinum. Never waste a downgrade target by starting with him on your bench.”
Rule Number Six: “There is NO rule Six!”
Rules Number Six-A: “A cow and a premium are better than two mid-pricers with the same total cost.”
Rule Number Seven: “When a cow is best 22, you pick that cow”
Rule Number Eight: “DPP is nice, but no more than nice. Definitely not enough.”
Rule Number Nine: “No matter how much you like your herd, when the teams are announced, you will have to make changes. Be ready”
Rule Number Ten: “The cows you have to pick from are the cows everyone has to pick from. Stop complaining and start planning.”
Rule Number Eleven: “Better an unknown cow than a known bum steer”
Rule Number Twelve: “A cheap cow that loses his job is a loophole. A high priced cow that loses his job is a source of funds. A mid-priced cow that loses his job is a problem.”
Rule Number Thirteen: “It’s going to go wrong. Pick the cows who will go wrong in the ways you can best cope with”
Rule Number Fourteen: “A cow that has both job security and ruck as a position is a rare gift, for he allows you another cow on field.”
Rule Number Fifteen: “A fallen mid-pricer is a lot like a cow, but they have to have fallen really, really, far”
Rule Number Sixteen: “A fallen premium is not like a cow, no matter how far they have fallen, because you aren’t going to sell them to turn them into a premium.”
Rule Number Seventeen: “Cows on better teams tend to score better.”
Rule Number Eighteen: “Cows playing better teams tend to score worse.”
Rule Number Nineteen: “Know your coaches. It doesn’t matter if a cow should play, it only matters if the coach thinks he should play.”
Rule Number Twenty: “Know your teams. A cow filling in for two weeks before a gun comes back from injury is really a loophole waiting to happen.”
Rule Number Twenty One: “Sometimes you have to suck it up and downgrade to a loophole. When you do, find as cheap of one as you can.”
Rule Number Twenty Two: “Downgrading to someone who might be a loophole beats downgrading to someone you know will be a loophole.”
Rule Number Twenty Three: “Some cows aren’t worth a trade to deal with. Keep them, be patient, and hope. It’s a long season, sometime things go right in the end.”
Looking forward to hearing ideas for additional rules! I’m sure this list won’t end up being all of them.
Since it’s about time for the first defenestration, be sure to have plans for when your cows are not named and changes are forced. Then, when you are making changes remember the rules, especially Rule #4.
On with the season, and may all your cows grow fat!
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