Cow Talk – Round 13

Written by Father Dougal on June 13 2018

Small or Far Away” Father Dougal on Cows

Well, that was odd, a year with no Round 12!

I’m pretty sure there was a Round 12 just last week….”

Nope, I’m sure if there had been a Round 12 I’d remember it. Apparently we skipped directly to Round 13 this year.

I see….do you remember writing this last week…?” “My theory is that our brains repress the memories as just too painful”


Yes, well, Supercoach was a bit rough last week…..”

SuuuuuperCooooaach! Slowly I turned…step by step…inch by inch……

Oh my, looks like hysterical Round 12 blindness co-morbid with an acute Abbot & Costello trigger! Not good at all.”

(sounds of a kerfuffle)

Well, darn, looks like someone cracked under the pressure and snapped. Or maybe snapped under the pressure and cracked? Either way, looks like I’m stuck writing Cow Talk this week. Well, if Father Dougal can do it, how hard can it be? It looks like he finished the numbers, although with all the empty stubbies strewn about….well, I’m sure they’re close enough…..

So, there should be some sort of intro or theme, which would be a good idea…like old movies? Or, um, Comedy routines? Heck it’s not *my* sermon; I’ll just write about whatever I feel like! What’s FD gonna do, fire me! He and a variety of medical professionals only wish they could do that!”


Tom Doedee: If he averages 85 after his bye….that’s nine rounds. Bring in a guy who gets 95 a round and that’s just 90 points. Hardly worth a trade. Or, if Doe-see-do-dee averages 82 and you bring in someone who gets 100 a round, that’s 162 points. Gosh, what a decision! Oh, and a replacement gets an extra week, so more like 180 points. What’s that Shannon, why even wait until next round..?”

Ed Richards had his bye

Lachlan Murphy “has somehow managed to be sort of vaguely useful and hang on to a job, off and on when nobody else was available. He’s managed to hang on in some Supercoach teams as well.”

Tom Cole  had his bye

Bailey Rice  “join us, why not? I’m not the one who has to keep doing his numbers. Looks like he will rise in price….I see why FD usually doesn’t bother with guys like him so soon. Boring.”


Tim Kelly has another week before he is traded to a premium. There, that’s wasn’t so hard was it? Wanna keep him? Well, only if you are desperately short on trades, surely you can find someone who will outscore him by enough to make a trade worthwhile.”

Nick Holman for god’s sakes man, stop taunting us! Hit your stupidly high BE, then hit it again so we can be free of your Yeo impression. Next time just wrap a string around yourself a few dozen times! Oh, and a pox on your buttocks if you get dropped right when we were counting on you!”

Lachlan Fogarty has another week before he is traded to a premium, and nobody should be holding him after R13”

Bailey Banfield  “I suppose anyone who actually held him this long can enjoy the extra bit of cash he has made.”

Jaidyn Stephenson if you held him, that 93 last week which kept his price from plummeting was a gift from one or more gods. Probably a horse god. Do not look the horse god’s gift in the mouth; sell him this week. If you hold him for Round 14 and he spuds up, do not blame me or the horse god. You have been warned.”

Andrew Brayshaw “see Banfield. It’s nether accurate or useful, but Mr Boring Brayshaw is so uninspiring there’s nothing interesting to say about him. Good riddance!”

Paddy Dow had his bye

Cameron Rayner this bloke could do anything next time he plays. Sell him now? Keep him because you need him on field? If you aren’t sure, admit the impossibility of a correctly made rational decision and just flip a coin. If it goes wrong at least you can yell at the coin. If you find that unsatisfying try flipping a cat! Hint, call ‘feet side’ down. Less random, but somehow more satisfying. I’m allergic to cats in case you couldn’t guess. (Note, Cow Talk does not actually advocate any from of cruelty to any animals, not even cats. Please make sure all pets and children under 12 are unable to both see and hear the TV when the Saints are playing. Our furry friends thank you. We now return to our irregular sermon.)”


Oscar McInerny still plays ruck, for some value of playing ruck. Isn’t that nice?”


Jake Waterman had his bye

Bayley Fritsch is amazing and may well not be worth trading, or at least not right away. I do, however, have a serious issues with the Demons regarding him, in that they keep playing Alex Neal-Bullen. He looks a lot like Fritsch and I keep getting them confused, thus getting all excited about stuff which it turns out was for a bloke I don’t own, and it is annoying. It’s almost as bad as the bald Demon who isn’t Max Gawn. The Demons really need to get their act together and stop playing all these look a-likes.”

Daniel Lloyd: “trade him before his price drops even more! What are you waiting for!? This is not rocket science. FD once asked an actual rocket scientist what they say, since they can’t really say it’s not rocket science when it actually is rocket science. Turns out they say it’s not brain surgery. If anyone is or knows a brain surgeon, do they say it’s not rocket science? And what about Buckaroo Banzai? He was both a rocket scientist and a brain surgeon. Probably said ‘it’s not Supercoach’ …”

Billy Gowers  had his bye

Jack Henry: “I have not yet lost my will to live. Were I to try and find something interesting to say about Jack Henry I just might. Nothing to see here, move along. In fact, move him along.”

Ben Ronke I’m looking at you kid, with the hairy eyeball, because you seem in danger of missing your breakeven the week before we trade you out on your bye. If you mess that up, I’m going to wish some form of intermittent car trouble on you. You know, the kind where it doesn’t work right until you take it to the shop, and then it’s all fine until you get home and then BAM! It starts Making That Noise all over again. You don’t want that do you? I though not.”

Charlie Spargo “has a name that is wasted on an AFL player. He ought to be a chain of kid’s pizza parlors. “Come to Charlie Spargo’s and get two for one toppings on every pizza” If he doesn’t up his game, a new career in the exciting world of selling overpriced pizza, sugary deserts, and low quality plastic gewgaws to small children awaits”

Matt Guelfi “should use some of the hefty salary he will be earning in a few years to buy a racehorse, so he can name it “Guelfi Pleasure.” I bet he could name at least a dozen horses totally awesome names using that theme!”

Jack Higgins “will forever be cursed with the name “Higgins” unless he changes it. Poor bloke.”

Tim Smith did not play

Zac Langdon trade now, trade after he plays R14. Whatever. I’m not looking forward to the Zaconfusion when the one true GWS Zac comes back. Wow, I just thought of a great joke-humor thing that I can’t use right now but will someday. Have to tell FD. He almost never thinks of stuff ahead of time. Neither do I come to think of it….”

Non-Cow Stuff

If you are not over 18, do not under any circumstances google…no, I’ll be good-ish”

Final thoughts

Feel free to ask questions in the comments; you never know what might happen, or who will answer them!”

If I forgot someone, tough titty cupcakes!”

Money back for bad predictions…?!! I apologize for nothing!”

Well, yeah, ok thanks for reading.”


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14 thoughts on “Cow Talk – Round 13”

    1. Nice to see you back with us FD.

      Your “third nipple” did a great job on Cow Talk in your absence.

      He / She seems a little more assertive and less self depreciating than your good self. 🙂

      I had plans for Fritch this week but he seems to be heading for steer territory. Spargo on the other hand, is looking a lot like pepperoni pizza!

      Hope you didn’t drop to far down the rankings.

      All our hopes are with you here at SCT


  1. Thanks FD absolutely cacking my self over the rocket surgery…

    Quick question to the community.
    If Liam Ryan makes his return this week, is it worth bringing him back in? Not many downgrade targets this week.


    1. I’m bringing him in if named as he will play the next 2 weeks. Could also go Brander who is debuting for Darling.


  2. Great Write Up Father!

    Ryan is travelling with the Eagles to Sydney, but still might not play. Eagles have also announced Jarrod Brander 148k Def – Fwd will debut against the Swans Friday Night.


    1. I noticed that too, gee it takes me back to a time when footy was played on a Saturday afternoon and there was no such thing as supercoach to ruin it.


  3. Pleasure Guelfs.

    KRYTEN: Yes; it hurt to do it, but it was her best shot at happiness.
    It’s the old, old story. Droid meets droid. Droid becomes chameleon.
    Droid loses chameleon, chameleon turns into blob, droid gets blob back
    again, blob meets blob, blob goes off with blob, and droid loses blob,
    chameleon and droid. How many times have we seen that story?
    LISTER: I suppose you’re gonna blame me for all of this, aren’t you?
    KRYTEN: Yes, I am. Without your lessons — without your bananas and your
    movies and your aardvarks — none of this could have happened. You’re
    a complete and total smeghead.
    LISTER: Brutal, Kryten! You just insulted me!
    KRYTEN: Yes; I can lie, cheat, AND be offensive now.

    They begin walking away, arm in arm.

    LISTER: Kryten, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship.



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