Cow Talk – Round 16

Written by Father Dougal on July 4 2018

Small or Far Away” Father Dougal on Cows

Cows featured rather….prominently….in the captaincy last week. Got me thinking, and since thinking is sharing, some thoughts to share.

There are two basic ways to approach the captaincy:

  1. Make the player you think will get the highest score as VC, and as long as his score isn’t unacceptably low, keep it. And by unacceptably low, I mean 110+ maybe 100+.
  2. Plan on the player you think will get the highest score as your captain, and put the VC on someone you think might throw up a huge score. If they don’t put up a huge score then go with your original captain.

I call these the “play-it-safe” and “go-for-it” options. There is a variant of the go for it plan, for when the guy you think will score the most is early in the round, in which case you have to put the VC on him. But, then you are still more aggressive about going to someone else if you are not very happy with the VC score, as opposed to taking anything that doesn’t suck.

In a typically confused attempt to learn from experience, I have started the last two (at least) seasons using the play-it-safe option, then noticed it wasn’t really going so well a lot of them time, and then moved to the go-for-it plan. But, later in the season, the injured captain thing would happen, like, say with Fyfe this round, or worse, and I would go right back to play-it-safe.

This week, I finally realized that the go-for-it plan works best early in the season when there are fewer injuries. and the  play-it-safe plan works best towards the end of the season once the carnage starts.  I was correctly remembering that play-it-safe is the way to go late, but then not realizing it is too conservative early on. I kept thinking one way must be better, but why should that be true? The injuries come fast and furious towards the end of the season, as do the late in and outs.

If for some reason you don’t have or can’t use a dedicated loophole, do not trust the Supercoach site for who is in and out.

(On a side note, trying to auto-fix a misspelling of Supercoach will result in the word “Stagecoach”.  If you ever see me write “Stagecoach” in place of “Supercoach”, you will know why.)

In place of the Supercoach site, go to the AFL site and go to “News” “Round by Round” then “Team Line Ups” and look and see what it says there. I would swear that both Ahern and Giro were listed as being part of the interchanges well before the starts of their matches. For one thing, I was confused as to why people were saying they were late ins, when I already knew they were in because I had looked there to check the team lists. I didn’t think it was important at the time so I didn’t think to check when I looked or document anything really useful as proof, but it is what I remember.  Passing it on in case it helps anyone.

This week I wanted to go back and do a theme. I have not done one all season! I blame Thommo. He used to have these awesome themed write ups in the review, and I would just steal or modify whatever he had picked. Sadly, he came to his senses and is writing a more sane and sustainable review, which is wise of him. I have not picked a theme yet, but I had better before I get to the actual write ups. While I stall, I will mention that next week 5-6 players will hit 5 weeks and be added, so I will be dropping a lot of players to make room. At this point I don’t see much value in talking about a lot of these guys who are just puttering along and are owned mostly by abandoned teams and the Supercoach equivalent of crazy cat-ladies, hoarding cows even though they should not have all the cows they do.

So, time to write up the players, hmm, I’m gonna stall more by uploading the charts……

Yeah, so it really needs to be something funny, because at this point we all have way to much to cry about, so funny…..comedians! I shall endeavor to compare every player to a comedian they in some way remind me of. Or maybe their styles since I some of these guys are, hmm, quality challenged, while I don’t know many quality challenged comedians….well, we shall see.



Tom Doedee:  I’m going to go right to George Carlin here. Started off well and while had some ups and downs was always good and got better with age. His ton last week certainly has him looking good. I still suspect you can do better upgrading him if you have the trades, but there is a good case for holding him. Which is like several sins. You want to hold him, you plan to hold, him, and then you actually hold him. That’s three sins right there! Even more if you are a priest, so good thing I already traded him!

Jeremy Finlayson: Started really strong and blew us away but seems to have flamed out. Rather like Sam Kinison, who showed up in the late 80s and died on the road to Vegas in 92. (Another driver’s fault.)  I just realized if you know who he is you know why the whole flame out thing and awesome start fits, and if not I can’t do him justice. George Carlin dedicated an HBO special to him, if that helps.

Aaron Naughton:  Reminds me of Richard Pryor. Did well, then got hurt, and came back even stronger. Of course Naughton caught fire after his recovery, and Pryor had to recover from catching fire, but still, kinda sorta the same concept.

Ed Richards has red hair, Tim Minchin has red hair. Other wise I fear a lack of similarity, but I couldn’t come up with anything else and I love Tim Minchin and wasn’t going to let the chance to get him in slip past.  Hmm, also Tim sings the “Pope Song” in which he says a certain word a lot, and I have a habit of saying that same word a lot when watching the Bulldogs this season.

Tom Cole has played a fair amount since his debut, despite not being all that good. He’s not bad, and has had some moments of good, but I’m not sure I’d mind if he just went away. I guess I can’t just name the bloke who’s comedy hits me that way, and he does have a lot of fans, I think. Let’s just say his last name rhymes with my favorite type of lady and leave it at that. (Like you won’t be guessing in the comments)


Tim Kelly  is the best of the cows.  He tonned up is his first two matches, and despite a few off games has been freaking amazing all year. Robin Williams. No further explanation needed. Nanu Nanu mate.

Nick Holman  is all over the place. Overall he’s been a big success, but with some seriously cringe worthy bits – rather like Sarah Silverman. Her best stuff is amazing, but wow some of it, even when funny, can just make you go”Gahhhh” which in a way makes it even funnier. I don’t really like cringe comedy, and hers isn’t really that, but there is a lot of “wait did she really say that” and yes and it is funny, but not all is for everyone, like all of Nick’s score are not for everyone, even if you had to play him.

Lachlan Fogarty  At the start of the season he was good. Darn good. He faded away. Stephen Wright was good, darn good, but he just faded away. Darn. My very favorite bit has been killed by time. “I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.””

Bailey Banfield  is like the Carrot Top of midfielders. He shows up, does his thing, contributes. You hope it will get better but it doesn’t. Not a waste, not deserving of scorn; the bloke is doing the best with what he has. I have watched Carrot Top on TV. I recall him being reasonably funny. I can’t remember anything else. No love, no hate.

Andrew Brayshaw is the Gallagher of midfielders. A prop comic, like Carrot top, but more expensive for the bland funny.

Jaidyn Stephenson has had some brilliant stuff, and a lot of ok stuff. And I am realizing that there are too many “blah but ok with faults” cows for the number of blah comedians I know of! I know a lot of good ones, and don’t pay attention to the bad or mediocre ones much.  So I’m just going to break down and mention some comediennes I like even if I can’t tie them in very well. So, I’ gonna just start naming comics I like when at a loss for a link. Let’s see. Bill Hicks!

Paddy Dow  is really not that good of a cow. Not scoring very well, bad return on any investment in him. The other cows have all had at least one good week, Dow has not. He’s probably the worst cow currently covered in cow talk. Even so he is not deserving of being paired with Yahoo Serious. I tried making someone watch Young Einstein as penance once; the bloke became an atheist.

Cameron Rayner  has twice been on the verge of being dropped with extreme prejudice and both times put up a score that meant he has to be kept around. Tons of material, only a small fraction of which is really funny.  It’s an insult to Andy Kaufman to compare him to Cam Rayner, but I’m comparing Cam to Andy, so that’s ok. Like with Andy, his owners sort of have to wait and see what happens next, even though they probably won’t like it. Thank you berry much.


Oscar McInerny must be at least tallish to play in the ruck. Dara O’Brien (spelled correctly, really) is 6’4″ and thus tallish. Not part of his act, but at least a vague connection that gives me an excuse to mention him.


Jake Waterman:  Has really faded. Tim Conway has really faded. Of course he is also really old.  But at his peak, oh wow he was funny.

Bayley Fritsch has made those who traded him out early pay, and how. Jimmy Carr makes those who heckle him pay, and how. Also clever, and really offensive but funny anyways. “Too far is when the audience doesn’t laugh.” We will laugh at a lot. Took me a while to understand the plasterer’s radio comeback…..

Daniel Lloyd: did not play again.

Billy Gowers   Wow, is he going well.  Might even be a hold.  Margaret Cho.

Jack Henry:  Still doing ok. Still worth more as cash for upgrades.  Jim Jefferies. (Wow if only Mason Cox were a cow, for the Aussie in the US link, oh well)

Ben Ronke  came out strong and has been doing well since. A lot like say an early Eddie Murphy. (yes, another 80s guy, I’m old, sorry.)

Charlie Spargo was dropped and not picked back up.

Matt Guelfi  Milton Jones!

Jack Higgins  James Acaster

Tim Smith  did not play

Zac Langdon does not actually remind me of Frankie Boyle. Frankie is one of my very favorite comedians. Scottish insult comic. Just think about that as a concept. Manged to very seriously offend the management of the BBC several times, good on ya, and most of his best stuff is so far over the line he can’t see the line from where he is. I’ll just have to settle for saying “Zac, you remind me of that monkey.”

Final thoughts

Please let me know if I missed anyone! Lots will be added next week.

Sorry for the delay. I was right up on the deadline when disaster struck.

Thanks for reading!


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9 thoughts on “Cow Talk – Round 16”

  1. FD, wjat you say about ahern and giro is correct, BUT, they were the last two Sunday games, and many of us may still have been at church !!!
    And, many of us may not have had any options anyway, given that options could only come from the four late playing teams, and may have cost a precious late season trade.
    The answer is simple….have guys like Olango and duman available as c….they both play in games 8 or 9 for the rest of the year. I’m a happy vegemite.


    1. Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound as if I was blaming people for the bad luck changes. Being time-zonally challenged I am very aware of being unavailable to handle last minute changes.


      1. FD, where are you located? I’m up in Ontario, Canada and know the pain of late changes / limited access to VC options.

        Also, I think everyone should now list a comic they like that wasn’t on your list – we could all use some laughter as the carnage piles up!


        1. I live near Washington DC, so we are in the same time zone. I’ve realized this season that I am too tired to think well late night, and need to make moves even if there is a risk of a late out, because there is a bigger risk I will stuff up my moves!


  2. Father, i didn’t feel you were blaming people at all. I just think, and this is where I do agree with you, that many don’t give enough thought to the loop. NEVER put the c on an emergency for instance.
    I got home from church in enough time to watch my bombres !!


    1. Agreed. The only time I ever put emergencies on the field is if I am hoping they are a late in.

      Or, if I’m absolutely desperate for a loophole, then only at the very, very last minute, when I’m certain they’re not playing. And even then I try not to – a lot can happen in 30 seconds!


  3. Father.

    Highly amusing sermon.

    re: Tom Cole.

    I’m still trying to to think of comedians who’s names rhyme with Nun.

    I wanted to turn Guelfi into Billings this week.

    Now its Fyfe to…

    T/U Danger.

    T/D J Kelly.


  4. Nice write-up FD. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!

    I like Brian Regan, particularly his Eye Doctor skit you’ll find on YouTube.


  5. Great read as usual, thank you Father Dougal.

    Alas, I feel you missed 3 very worthy comedians in Norm McDonald, Mitch Hedburg and Bill Burr. However, patience is a virtue and I eagerly await next week’s sermon.

    Peace be with you.



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