Rules of Cowquisition 2023

Written by Father Dougal on March 5 2023

Hi Everybody!

This looks like a good season for cows, knock on wood.  A lot of them are higher priced, but a lot of those are experienced players returning at a discount and not rookies. If you are using them to make money, they are a cow and the rules apply.  If you planning to keep them, they are not a cow, they are a Premium or a Gun, whatever term you prefer.

Without further delay:

Father Dougal’s Rules of Cow-quisition

Rule Number One: “Start the season with as many good cows as you can get, up to where you have undesired left-over money.”

Rule Number Two: “Good cows have good job security. A cow without job security is just an unreliable loophole.”

Rule Number Three: “The cheaper the better. Lower cost and higher profit.”

Rule Number Four: “Cow availability determines your structure; not the reverse. Select all the good cows, none of the dodgy cows, and build the rest of your team around them.”

Rule Number Five: “Money is gold, trades are oxygen, and downgrade targets are platinum. Never waste a downgrade target by starting with him on your bench.”

Rule Number Six: “There is NO rule Six!”

Rules Number Six-A: “A cow and a premium are better than two mid-pricers with the same total cost.”

Rule Number Seven: “When a cow is best 22, you pick that cow”

Rule Number Eight: “DPP is nice, but no more than nice. Definitely not enough.”

Rule Number Nine: “No matter how much you like your herd, when the teams are announced, you will have to make changes. Be ready”

Rule Number Ten: “The cows you have to pick from are the cows everyone has to pick from. Stop complaining and start planning.”

Rule Number Eleven: “Better an unknown cow than a known bum steer”

Rule Number Twelve: “A cheap cow that loses his job is a loophole. A high priced cow that loses his job is a source of funds. A mid-priced cow that loses his job is a problem.”

Rule Number Thirteen: “It’s going to go wrong. Pick the cows who will go wrong in the ways you can best cope with”

Rule Number Fourteen: “A cow that has both job security and ruck as a position is a rare gift, for he allows you another cow on field.”

Rule Number Fifteen: “Any non-premium player who has a reasonable chance of going up in price by $150,000 should be considered a cow for purposes of the rules of Cow-quisition.”

Rule Number Sixteen: “A fallen premium is not like a cow, no matter how far they have fallen, because you aren’t going to sell them to turn them into a premium.”

Rule Number Seventeen: “Cows on better teams tend to score better.”

Rule Number Eighteen: “Cows playing better teams tend to score worse.”

Rule Number Nineteen: “Know your coaches. It doesn’t matter if a cow should play, it only matters if the coach thinks he should play.”

Rule Number Twenty: “Know your teams. A cow filling in for two weeks before a gun comes back from injury is really a loophole waiting to happen.”

Rule Number Twenty One: “Sometimes you have to suck it up and downgrade to a loophole. When you do, find as cheap of one as you can.”

Rule Number Twenty Two: “Downgrading to someone who might be a loophole beats downgrading to someone you know will be a loophole.”

Rule Number Twenty Three: “Some cows aren’t worth a trade to deal with. Keep them, be patient, and hope. It’s a long season, sometimes things go right in the end.”


Thanks for reading!


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3 thoughts on “Rules of Cowquisition 2023”

  1. You know it’s getting to the serious end of pre season when Father Dougal posts the rules of cowquidition guidance.


  2. Entering my 10th year of SC.. can’t fault any of those rules. This will probably be the first year I won’t break any ..
    Won’t break Rule 24 … No matter what, have fun.


  3. Words of Wisdom for us all, regardless of SC experience – to the point I have them printed and on the wall in my office at home…the photos of the kids get moved to the side wall throughout SC season lol



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