Rules of Cow-quisition: 2022

Written by Father Dougal on March 10 2022

Hi Everybody!

This looks like a rough season for cows.  Not that many, and most of the ones with any job security cost extra.  I worry this will be the year of Rule Twelve.  Hopefully a focus on Rule Seven will help mitigate that. 

This year, for the first time, I have updated a rule: 

The Former Rule Number Fifteen: “A fallen mid-pricer is a lot like a cow, but they have to have fallen really, really, far”

The Updated Rule Number Fifteen: “Any non-premium player who has a reasonable chance of going up in price by $150,000 should be considered a cow for purposes of the rules of Cow-quisition.”

But what is a premium player? Any player you expect to keep. That’s Rule Sixteen actually.  Cows are for selling, not keeping. 

But what about Cow-like objects? Well, the updated Rule Fifteen adds those into being cows, at least for the purpose of the Rules of Cow-quisition. I think that “Cow-like object” is a useful term, but as far as the rules go I don’t think the distinction matters.  If you are using them to make money, they are a cow and the rules apply. 


Without further delay:

Father Dougal’s Rules of Cow-quisition

Rule Number One: “Start the season with as many good cows as you can get, up to where you have undesired left-over money.”

Rule Number Two: “Good cows have good job security. A cow without job security is just an unreliable loophole.”

Rule Number Three: “The cheaper the better. Lower cost and higher profit.”

Rule Number Four: “Cow availability determines your structure; not the reverse. Select all the good cows, none of the dodgy cows, and build the rest of your team around them.”

Rule Number Five: “Money is gold, trades are oxygen, and downgrade targets are platinum. Never waste a downgrade target by starting with him on your bench.”

Rule Number Six: “There is NO rule Six!”

Rules Number Six-A: “A cow and a premium are better than two mid-pricers with the same total cost.”

Rule Number Seven: “When a cow is best 22, you pick that cow”

Rule Number Eight: “DPP is nice, but no more than nice. Definitely not enough.”

Rule Number Nine: “No matter how much you like your herd, when the teams are announced, you will have to make changes. Be ready”

Rule Number Ten: “The cows you have to pick from are the cows everyone has to pick from. Stop complaining and start planning.”

Rule Number Eleven: “Better an unknown cow than a known bum steer”

Rule Number Twelve: “A cheap cow that loses his job is a loophole. A high priced cow that loses his job is a source of funds. A mid-priced cow that loses his job is a problem.”

Rule Number Thirteen: “It’s going to go wrong. Pick the cows who will go wrong in the ways you can best cope with”

Rule Number Fourteen: “A cow that has both job security and ruck as a position is a rare gift, for he allows you another cow on field.”

Rule Number Fifteen: “Any non-premium player who has a reasonable chance of going up in price by $150,000 should be considered a cow for purposes of the rules of Cow-quisition.”

Rule Number Sixteen: “A fallen premium is not like a cow, no matter how far they have fallen, because you aren’t going to sell them to turn them into a premium.”

Rule Number Seventeen: “Cows on better teams tend to score better.”

Rule Number Eighteen: “Cows playing better teams tend to score worse.”

Rule Number Nineteen: “Know your coaches. It doesn’t matter if a cow should play, it only matters if the coach thinks he should play.”

Rule Number Twenty: “Know your teams. A cow filling in for two weeks before a gun comes back from injury is really a loophole waiting to happen.”

Rule Number Twenty One: “Sometimes you have to suck it up and downgrade to a loophole. When you do, find as cheap of one as you can.”

Rule Number Twenty Two: “Downgrading to someone who might be a loophole beats downgrading to someone you know will be a loophole.”

Rule Number Twenty Three: “Some cows aren’t worth a trade to deal with. Keep them, be patient, and hope. It’s a long season, sometimes things go right in the end.”


Thanks for reading!


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2 thoughts on “Rules of Cow-quisition: 2022”

  1. Would like to nominate that “Cow like objects” be called Aces.

    Why Aces? Because they can either be a cow or a premium like an Ace can be a 1 or a 10 suiting your needs. Also an onfield player with reasonable scoring who’s under priced by 200k is gold.



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